Expectations and Disappointments

How do you feel about your experience with expectations? What have you learned about expectations over the years? One of the things that we all have in common is being disappointed due to expectations not being met. It’s pretty simple, when we have expectations about how things will play out they rarely happen that way. In most situations, we don’t have control over the circumstances.

When expectations have not been met disappointment can include a range of emotions from feeling crushed, shame, confusion and even anger.

So why do we continue to have expectations when more often than not they lead to disappointment?

Effectively this is an unconscious pattern of wanting to control outcomes, despite being unable to. From a yoga perspective, this need to control is related to fear of the unknown. And fear is often coupled with a lack of faith. This strong combination fuels expectations.

We can draw from the Buddhist tradition that teaches expectations are the root of suffering. We don’t want to suffer. Thus, we need to figure out how to reduce expectations.

But should we not have some idea of what we want from a situation?

Absolutely! Think about going on a first date with someone. You make plans. You anticipate how the date will unfold. You create a mental picture of it all. The is a mental strategy of sorts to calm the mind and prepare for what’s to come. The real experience is never what was expected.

Situations involving other humans are particularly problematic with regard to expectations because you can’t control who they are. They too have expectations. These relational situations are extremely challenging and fraught with much disappointment.

The yogic solution is to first understand the problematic impacts of expectations. As you build self-awareness through practice you’ll see yourself moving into expectation mode. With time you will be able to catch yourself and even stop going down that rabbit hole of expectation. You’ll be able to adapt as the reality of the situation unfolds.

Expectations are deeply ingrained patterns. Letting go of expectations won’t happen overnight. But it can happen.

Yoga is an artful practice of letting go and letting go is essential to moving away from expectations and the need to control outcomes. Not all practices are about letting go, even if the teacher is imploring you to do so. The elements that help with letting go include pelvic stabilizing, forward folding, and various mudras. The breath is key to letting go. In particular, a lengthened exhalation serves the process. The combination of these elements is a powerful bio-psycho-spiritual force. It is the antidote to expectations and their resulting disappointment.

I’m visiting Victoria as I write this and travel is one of those areas where expectations loom large. When travelling to a familiar place expectations can easily take hold. I expected to be travelling around greater Victoria in a rental car. My plan was to get familiar with the area to help me determine if this is where I want to relocate. Due to a confluence of factors, I couldn’t get a rental car. My island touring expectations were dashed. In the end, it didn’t matter. I cabbed to the hotel, I have a relocation agent taking me to the apartments I want to check out and I love to walk. Seeing the city on foot is an entirely different perspective than driving through it. Bonus!

While I had expectations, I was quickly able to pivot and be at peace with the new reality I was facing. I was not attached to the car rental. I calmly assessed the situation and moved on.

I have many examples in my life of adjusting and adapting with ease and grace when things don’t go as expected. This is a testament to my years of yoga practice. It works and it will work for you too.

If you’re keen on exploring an integrated approach to yoga that brings in elements of yoga psychology to help make sense of things and live a more peace-filled life, consider signing up for my membership. I now have bundled classes for non-members to check out my teaching style as well. Reasonably priced and yours for life.